Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just pee around me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
