Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
