I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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