tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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