Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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