You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
