The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
