I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize