Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize