How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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