So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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