Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
not ubering you a puppy
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
