Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
