It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
