I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
