Swine flu. Run for my life!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
