Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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