..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
