Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
