Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
