just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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