At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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