i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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