If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
