I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
