1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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