1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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