you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
