never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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