I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
