i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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