Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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