He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Less talking, more tequila
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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