I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
