Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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