If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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