Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
