The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
