ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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