remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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