Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
