She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize