FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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