awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
