my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
