So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
