I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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