I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
