Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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