I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
