Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
