Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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