You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
