she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
