his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
