so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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