I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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