fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
