when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize