There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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